Trigger words: assertive
Indicator sentences: What does assertive being assertive mean ?
Negotiation parts: erm , it 's how confident you are in yourself and the way that you actually put your point across .[UNCLEAR][UNCLEAR][UNCLEAR] on the same lines as getting your point across and not being afraid to do ityour point across and not being afraid of doing itOkay , [ANONYMIZATION][UNCLEAR] being afraid what sort of things [UNCLEAR] scared ah what people might think [UNCLEAR] or saying [UNCLEAR]Good [ANONYMIZATION] good [UNCLEAR][UNCLEAR] I 've got trousers on [UNCLEAR]right [ANONYMIZATION][UNCLEAR] getting your point across effectively yeahgetting your point across effectivelyyeah[UNCLEAR] apart from being positive in putting your point across and erm being clear in things that you say things that you do being strong about itclear and strong , when you say strong what do you mean ?[UNCLEAR]Or is it you know [UNCLEAR] how can you be strongMaking yourself understood clearly basically , knowing what you 're talking aboutKnowing what you knowing what you 're talking about being clear okay [UNCLEAR] yepMore or less on the same lines having a point of view and putting it across without wavering , do n't ermCover your pointYes , [UNCLEAR] getting your poi yeahokayyeah , okayHaving a point of view and putting it across to other people I think we 'veand words are put clear and strong and I think I 'd use the word forcefulforceful , okay [UNCLEAR] but the other bit you 're happy with [UNCLEAR]Oh yeahgreatwhat ya saygreatare you scared ?erm , the one thing that I thought was under person who is who is talking he 's got ta be I think he 's got ta be firm so that the person understands that erm that what is required but he 's also got ta be fair at the same time has n't he ?[UNCLEAR] than fair okay , good good What 's a person like when they 're being assertive ?[UNCLEAR] [UNCLEAR][UNCLEAR]Anybody else ? Right think of a time when you were assertiveWhen was a time when you were assertive , just think you can be anything assertive over anything it does n't matter think of a time when you feel you were being assertive anybody think of a time when they were being assertive[UNCLEAR]hoovering , cleaning the windows[UNCLEAR]a bit like all menOh now here we goright , you be careful you 're letting yourself in here[UNCLEAR] [ANONYMIZATION] is goneShe 's [UNCLEAR]that 's being assertiveI can be a manokay just think of a time when you were assertive and you all everybody think of a time when you were assertive , can you think of a time , anybody ca n't think of a time when they were assertive ? You not gon na tell me even if they can , now you know you 're being non-assertive .Think of a time when you 've been assertive it can assertive in the very very slightest form it does n't matter , assertive of some sort . Got a time [ANONYMIZATION]yeahyesgreatI know I have been but I ca n't think of one at the momentmake it up , make one up what would it be like if you were being assertive [UNCLEAR] ? Alright we 've got that time you were being assertive , think of a time when you were n't assertive .[UNCLEAR]Think of a time when you were n't assertive , just think of a time when you were n't assertive can you think of oneyeah [UNCLEAR]If you ca n't think of one make it up What 's the difference , what 's the difference [ANONYMIZATION]well erm I was n't being assertive I was a bit walked overyou let yourself get walked over , okay . What made it what it feel as though you 'd been walked over ?well erm , it 's just a sense of ya know I could n't care less it 's yeah go on an do that I do n't give a stuffDid it bother you ?Not at the time no it did n't it bothered me when it was done because I thought you 've probably done something and the outcome would be that so at the time it did n't bother me because I was n't interested in the situationSo is that being as you were n't being assertive at the timeyeahNot botheredyeah , I think what it does I mean because I had the change to alter the situationokayuh uh I would n't take the chanceSo what 's the difference between the two situations [UNCLEAR] in you ?In me ? I du n no I felt like I let myself downYou feel like you let yourself down , okay [ANONYMIZATION]I 'd agree with thatYou feel like you let yourself down , what how would you say you let yourself down , I do n't mean to be specific but in what way did you let yourself downerm , I I let the person do what they wanted to do and not what I wanted to do I just went along with what they saidokay , okay you feel you let yourself down because of thatyeah it could 've be done betterokay , rightat the the time I think when I was n't being assertive and when I was n't the difference was the person was younger than me and I was being assertive and then when I perhaps was n't and like [UNCLEAR] said you feel after that you 've let yourself down . The person was older than me and he 's a bit higher up the rank than me and it 's all about it probably comes with experience he 's [UNCLEAR] to stand for yourself really but it 's when you 're our age and a bit younger you do n't want to be seen to be rocking the boat if there 's something that 's going on that you do n't agree with but you 're asked to do something that you do n't want to do [UNCLEAR] valid reasons you have n't got the time or it 's not really up to you to do itrightthose are the twoyou 'd have liked to have turned round and say look I do n't wan na do ityeahit 's difficult when you 're a customer [UNCLEAR]yeah , yeah that 's rightalright [ANONYMIZATION]erm with me I do n't feel comfortable being assertiveWhat 's the difference thenlike [ANONYMIZATION]what 's the difference what stops you being what stops you [UNCLEAR]It 's not knowing who I can be assertive with[UNCLEAR] done it I do n't think it comes naturally either I mean you have to work at it do n't you ?okayya know some people cannot coming naturally not being there you just sort ofNo I find the other way[UNCLEAR]I I find that I am assertive whereas at times I should n't be in fact most of the time I should n't be and I amand I 'm the oppositeokay you find it hard you find it hard to do [UNCLEAR] to make a special effort what is it you have to make a special effort to do ?to get aggressiveto get aggressive [ANONYMIZATION]yeah erm because it 's not in my nature to be aggressivealright [ANONYMIZATION]erm I find that when I 'm not being as assertive er I 'm not very good in a one to one situation thinking your answers back straight away . I can go away from a conversation and half an hour later I think I should have said thatright [UNCLEAR]erm where I am assertive it 's where I 'm working to a rule book I know those rules backwards and I want somebody to follow those to the letterrightthen I can say that goes in that holder you do that that that and I do n't want any variation just do itso you 're very clear about what it is that you wantyeahwhen you 're clear about what it is that you want you can be assertiveyeah , I can be assertivewhen you 're not too clear about it you find it difficult being assertivethat 's it yeahokay , what 's the difference between being assertive and not being assertive [UNCLEAR] what 's the big difference between the two ?A matter of confidenceA matter of confidence okay [ANONYMIZATION]No I was just about to say confidence [UNCLEAR] really I find it quite difficult to get assertive erm but when the situation does arise I suddenly get a gut feeling about it laterokaywhereas you look back at the end of the day and if you have n't done what you did you sort of feel like a bit down ah and you wish you had [UNCLEAR]Being true to yourselfyeah go onI mean is this being true to yourself and letting yourself down and you know not saying what you feel you should 've said erm perhaps now [UNCLEAR] I wan na talk about one area in particular and that is this thing about you know submissiveness it seems that most people look at things that disturb you either as submissive or aggressive . A lot of people tend to look at assertion as being aggressive there 's a total difference . Being aggressive is just as bad as being submissive it really is because people swing to one side you know it some people are very good at being aggressive and are very good at diving in and getting their own way and just ju by being aggressive it 's naturally aggressive .Now the only problem with that is I sometimes look that these people I wonder are they really happy being aggressive all the time does that really make them feel happy ? I do n't think so , really it 's just the opposite problem of what we 've got over here , being submissive now we all know what being being sub submissive yes we let people walk all over us we do n't say [UNCLEAR] yeah we we listen to what everybody else says and therefore the opposite is you 're gon na get aggressive to get what we want . They 're both two sides of the same coin y'know , being aggressive is n't what it 's all about , being aggressive certainly is n't what it 's all about . What 's the point of being aggressive with somebody when they 're gon na walk away feeling as if they 've just been walked all over , so you 've still got the same situation you 've got one person walking away feeling a little bit fed up and the other person not so if you talk about assertiveness in terms of aggression and in terms of submission i.e. there 's going to be a winner and there 's going to be a loser depending which way round you look at it then you still have n't quite grasped what we mean by assertiveness . You do n't have to be aggressive to be assertive , look at some of these comments we 've got here how confident you are in yourself and how you put your point across . How you put your point across getting your point across and not being afraid of doing it , doing it effectively putting the point across , being positive in putting your point across so it 's all about putting your point across effectively , clearly congruously i.e. my body says what I mean . I do n't have to shout I do n't have to be aggressive or intimidate people I just have to tell people what I feel , think etc . Does being assertive mean getting your own way ?Not necessarilyIt never does , it should never it should never be tied in with getting your own way . Aggressive , aggression might be tied it with getting your own but being assertive is not about getting your own way . Being aggressive is about exactly what you put up here this is me this is how I feel about what we 're talking about . This is what I think , not just hiding away and saying get on with it you know get on with whatever you want to do , no this is what I believe is what I believe that we 're doing . It does n't necessarily mean you 're gon na get it but it means that you 're being true to yourself because you 're putting your point across . And it 's how you put that point across , if you put it across and if the body language you use when you put it across and do you know what makes the biggest different the biggest difference about how you put it across the most important factor about how you put it across and what you 're trying to do ? Any idea ? We talked about it being clear , being clear about what it is that you want . Any situation with any person you need to be clear in your mind what you want before if there 's any dithering if there 's any way I 'm not sure that will stop ya it 's being sure being convinced of what you want is you know exactly what you want you know which direction you 're going in . If you do n't there 's plenty of people out there that do and they 'll walk right all over you to get what they want . So it 's not about being aggressive it 's not about being aggressive or submissive it 's about being clear to true to yourself being aware of what you want from any given situation . Just because you 're assertive that does n't mean you 're gon na get everything that you want because you 're not being assertive just means that other people are aware of what you want . Being submissive is the co point where what happens when you 're submissive you keep it inside you do n't feel you 're worthy enough or you have n't got you have n't got the self esteem to rate yourself as being able to have what it is that you want , so you keep it inside and you do n't say anything and then you walk away should 've said this and should 've said that and all it does is eat away at you and it does that to you physically as well I mean scientific tests are already showing now that physically these sort of things you do if often be submissive enough what that does it pretty much helps helps you to eat your body up from the inside and causes physical problems which pretty much do that anyway . Because you keep it all inside it [UNCLEAR] against you , you begin to feel bad about yourself you begin to lose your self esteem erm you know and that 's the most dangerous thing about being bullied in terms of being at school or whether it 's even at work and being submissive is [UNCLEAR] withdraw internalise and to take it out on yourself . All this is you 're going to take out on somebody else you take it out on yourself . [UNCLEAR] the total is different opposite on the scale , instead of all this stuff inside of you , you just let it build up and you let it build up until whoosh and you throw it outside at other people , and that itself that that as well causes physical problems . Apparently , I mean I 've read this , but I do n't know how there was actual references to it as well but apparently what they used to do run a test they used to do was they used to get people very very angry take some blood from them , put put them inside of rats and it would kill the rats . When you get angry you pump all sorts of different chemicals around your body and they do n't do your body any good that 's for sure , you know you get the adrenalin that starts making everything well making the blood move faster heart beat faster you get other chemicals ready and if those chemicals are n't used properly or if something does n't happen and it uses those particular chemicals and they 're left inside the body then that causes eventually physical illness in some sort of physical wearing of some sort or another , so gradually just the opposite of this where you 're you 're not internalising your throwing it out , but there 's a hell of a lot in there that 's been stored up there and bottled up there before it throws out , and when you do tend to be aggressive it 's not because you 're being aggressive on purpose it 's because it 's just something that just happens and wells up when you get to a particular point and whoosh out it comes . So you know there 's the , do n't link aggression with assertion , two difference . Assertion you 're clear about what you want , you ca n't there 's no need to get get up about it there 's no need to worry about it this is what you want and this is the way it is , you do n't have to shout , you just have to stick to your point . [UNCLEAR] exercise that you do in terms of assertion in terms of helping build people 's assertion is what we call a broken record exercise , okay where one person wants something and the other person is trying to change their minds , okay , you get it in conversation when people do n't take you seriously and you 've asked for something and they do n't take you serious they try and avoid the point , they try and change the subject . Assertion comes into being when you still bring the conversation back this is what I want nothing else will do , and bringing it right the way back all the time to discuss what it is [UNCLEAR] why it 's called a broken record exercise , we 'll give it a quick go now . What I want you to do is in your couples I want one of you to pretend that one of you 's got a grievance okay , think about it before you do it . One of you 's got grievance and you want something done , there is something that you want done and the other person , is the person you want to do it or the person who 's got a part to play . Now this other person is trying to trying to change the conversation , trying to take you away from what you 're trying what you want done . What I want you to do as as the person who 's being assertive is to stick to the point . Stick to the point , even if it means you 're acting like a bit of a broken record , get that person make sure they hear what you 're saying even if you have to repeat it over and over again . What I want you to practice doing is to try and get yourself saying over and over again regardless of how the other person tries to ask you questions to get you out of it , and then swap over . Okay what I ask you to do as with being assertive , first of all be clear about what it is that you 're going to try and do , be clear about what it is and what the situation is , explain it to the partner and then try it and let's see how it [UNCLEAR] doing . Okay , working with anybody , just just for just for a few minutes each it 's just because what I want you to experience is what it 's like to continually go over the same thing , I want you to experience that , to continually stick to your guns just experience that okay ? Alright off you go .[UNCLEAR]Okay , let's swap over , what I want you to remember is it 's not a conversation it 's not the try not to get into a conversation what we 're trying to do is we 're trying to stick to one person 's trying to stick to their point the other person 's trying to take them off it , okay ? I want you to try and do that for as long as you can , the person 's who 's trying to take them off it you try and take them off that point as long as you can , the other person stick to your guns , okay ? Swap it round then off you go again .[UNCLEAR]Okay ,How did it go ?erm difference [UNCLEAR]DifferentYeah , because I mean it 's not a real life situation[UNCLEAR]So I mean you ca n't talk , the problem with me is I I will always listen to the other person 's point of view as[UNCLEAR]I found it difficult to keep going because of the hypothetical situation you know we were talking it about it earlyYeahthe second time was betterrightAgain I was I was willing to listen to what you got and what [ANONYMIZATION] was sayingokayand I was [UNCLEAR]okay[UNCLEAR][UNCLEAR] have you got a problem with the [UNCLEAR]yeah , erm yeah it was different erm with it only being role play it was a bit erm difficult to keep up with it sometimes and actually keep it going like , erm if it was the real life situation outside right you 'd know that the person you were talking to had more had been through that situation beforerightwe used the situation of taking faulty goods back to a shoprightso you the person you 'd be talking to would be erm trying to put you off to stop you getting something a a direct replacement [UNCLEAR]rightthey 'd be offering you a [UNCLEAR]okay , okay I understand that [UNCLEAR]yeah , it was difficult to [UNCLEAR] to get your what you need [UNCLEAR] back because you always change whaterm , okaybear that in mind , thank youal al although you you 're trying to make the same but you do try and change tack a bitrighterm word it a bit differentlyrightbut a when when somebody when it 's becoming apparent that somebody is I would n't say is not interested in your little complaint that you 've got and that that they 're they 're trying to change to subject it 's difficult to keep them on itrightBut erm I felt er are the he did alright because he I do n't think he was trying to change the subject he was trying to justify itrightBut er , what what had happened as opposed to trying [UNCLEAR] people trying to get [UNCLEAR][UNCLEAR]rightbut er but that was the only thing really it was difficultOkay , it is difficult , okay good .I I agree it is it 's very difficult to do when it 's not in a real life situationDifficult to do when it 's in a real life situation believe me it 's harder to do in a real life situation than it is in a situation we 've got [UNCLEAR]yeah butHarder , but it might not be for you I du n no is it ?er well I found it harder to do itrightBecause you you 're not actually talking about anything in particularyeahI mean you know if if you were complaining about something or if you were asking for something you 'd be asking for it because you knew what you wanted only as you said it 's all about being clear about what you wantyes , yes it is trueerm if if like I mean for instance we were n't clear about what we were talking aboutright okayso there 's a big differenceokay good point and that is that is a point , that you need to be clear about what you want to role plays on as good as the real thing you know but then again sometimes you know sometimes I 've listened to people saying well role plays are a bit harder than real life [UNCLEAR] harder than real life why are we talking about being assertive now . You know yeah may be may be and it is difficult situations do it but I think some of the problem comes in that it 's very difficult for us to to stick with the point and hear ourselves say the same thing over and over again because it does n't feel right how many how many of you did n't feel right doing [UNCLEAR] doing what you were doing ? How many of you ?Do n't want to be repetitive do you ?That 's right do n't want to feel you do n't want to be a painyeahMmand you carry on but sometimes sometimes it is the only way to do it stick with what you say and keep going . Now yes there are times when other people give you arguments and will try and change it around and and you know yes we will listen to them and will agree that but what we want to know is ultimately is what 's going to be done about it . Now what 's gon na be done about the way we feel is anything gon na be done about it , is the other person taking note of what way we feel and are they gon na do something about it or are they trying to dismiss it ? And I think what we 're trying to do is to see that we 're being treated fairly just as we might listen to that person 's argument as well . So it 's not a case of just really being listened to , it 's not just a case of just being clear , clear in terms of what you want by telling people what you want , and then finding out if they 're going to do it . So assertive is just being clear in what you want being prepared to keep going until you 've got something along those lines rather than letting people dismiss you or make you feel as though they 've dismissed you and your point not being considered i.e. your point not being heard or going away feeling that your point you did n't have a fair crack because you did n't give your point properly . It 's just a case of being true to what you feel and being true to yourself giving yourself as good a chance as any of being heard . I 've got a little graph up here now one thing about communication and with good communication what you can do is you can actually increase trust and co-operation amongst people . You know if you communicate well with people what happens ? Trust increases because if you can talk to people openly and they talk to you openly and you 're communicating then you 're quite trusting with that person . If your communication is good and you can work together to increase that co-operation and co-operation gets better really puts us with trust and co-operation puts us on a high scale . These are the two real components that we need from people , everybody needs to get trust and co-operation . If you trust somebody okay you 're quite open to them , they 're quite open to you if you co-operate you 're flexible , you 're being flexible and you like to work together and what happens is is if you 've got low trust and low co-operation with somebody well what you 've got is really everybody both people or everybody involved being defensive constantly being def defensive , if you do n't trust somebody and you know you 're not co-operative you 're constantly looking over your back , what are they doing are they doing that 's gon na mess something up you know what are they trying to do now . Now here when you end up with a lot of having arguments and listening to a lot of arguments a lot of them are like win lose . As far as being listening to you talking today earlier on it seems to you set up in your minds a win lose situation , I 'll show that . That 's a win lose , you might 've lost that time but you 're gon na get it back another time . If we look at a relationship or any type of communication as a situation where somebody 's going to win and somebody 's going to lose there 's not gon na be much chance of two people working together on that so what happens is somebody 's got to lose . Nobody wants to lose and if nobody wants to lose it means it gets fiercer and it goes on for longer and it does takes a long time to resolve , if it ever is and often to the detriment of one person to the success of another . You do n't have to be win lose all the time , because otherwise you 're gon na have a battle . One person does n't wan na lose and the other one wants to win and is going to go backwards and forwards you just end up pushing and pushing and pushing against each other , pointless . But think about it any form of any form of problem that you have arguments that you have tend to tend to develop like that . You have up here you 've got neither win lose but it 's like it 's a respectable thing you know you respect each other you do n't trust them completely and you do n't co-operate completely but they just respect just not you 're just not willing to go that further little bit and it becomes more of a more of a rather than a win lose or a win win it 's more of a people [UNCLEAR] half and half okay I 'll give this much if you give that much . Now what 's the word that I want it begins with a C , I 'll remember it tomorrow if you ever need to talk about it tomorrow .I have n't got it written down , oh a compromise that 's it yeah , a compromise [UNCLEAR] . Both sides are willing to give something up okay . So nobody wins nobody loses anything and nobody really gets what they wanted out of it at the end anyway or not everything that they wanted . However , there are ways of coming up to here we 've got a lot of co-operation a lot of trust and here you get what 's called synergies , new names , have you heard that name before synergy , synergy ? No , I 'll try to explain later on . Basically it 's two things coming together and becoming more than their whole , you 've got two things two people working together producing more than what two people can produce it 's the relationship that produces that extra little bit more . Synergy , and what happens here there is no such thing as a lose you 've got win win . Both parties can get something from that situation , if you trust people and you look at things a relationship over a period of time rather than this particular thing this is what I want now this is what I 'm gon na get rather than well okay I 'll help you do this now and later on they 'll help me do something else , it becomes a win win . Now how you watch look at the relationship what your communication 's like [UNCLEAR] how much trust and how much you got [UNCLEAR] co-operation you 've got will depend on what type of of a relationship you have .[UNCLEAR]That does n't necessarily mean that everybody is going to have a win win relationship all the time but why not go for it . What stops us from going for it , nothing stops us from going for it . Just because you 're looking for win win relationships all the time that does n't mean that you 're gon na get walked over all the time because by being assertive and by this is this is really what I want , what is it that you want and looking , listening to the other person 's point of view as well as making sure your point of view goes across as well somewhere , somewhere in all of that through all this down here , there 's a way of finding something for both people . If one person 's aggressive and the other one 's submissive win lose . We 're not looking at that point of view we 're looking at more like working together to find a solution . It takes a little bit of a little bit of maturity a little bit of communication skills and not everybody 's got that . So who does the responsibility come down to in the end ? It comes down to you , us you ca n't blame the other person , the other person 's what the other is you 've got no right to change that other person ever . That person is that person it 's the way they are . The only person you 've got a right to change is yourself . Therefore if you 've got a relationship with somebody and all you seem to constantly to be doing is constantly arguing and it 's either I win or you win you 're never gon na get out of that unless other time . If we look at a relationship or any type of commu mean taking a bit of a different look at things thinking well what is it that this person wants from me and what is it that I want from this person ? And when you can be clear about what it is you want and be clear what it is they want you 've got more of a chance to get the solution to win win rather than if you 're just interested in your position and your side . Any comments ? Any comments [ANONYMIZATION] [ANONYMIZATION]Noright noAlright , if it 's so easy why do n't we all do it what stops usBecause you do n't want to be the one to let goTo let go[UNCLEAR]It 's a case of if I do what 's gon na happen if the other person do n't do itright[UNCLEAR] I can trusttrust , trust , somebody 's gon na do it somewhere otherwise it just escalatesBut surely to [UNCLEAR] if you 've been working with your partner for a long time he 's gon na [UNCLEAR] it anywayYeah I agree with that , if you know somebody well , especially if you know somebody well and if you work with people and you communicate with people you build up trust , and if the communication 's there and people are talking to each other and passing on information , information 's going round and round trust 'll be there , the only time trust disappears is when somebody feels somebody 's keeping something back . Not giving all of the information . When you work with people and you communicate you listen to what they say and you make sure you say what you need to say then that trust is there and that trust builds and it fosters trust , and really that 's what we 've got ta be looking for in the work situation . The problem with the work situation is that sometimes we tend to settle in , and there are you know , there are people who it 's very very difficult to be trusted , to be trusting with to be co-operative with because we tend to feel that they 're not the trusting or co-operative type . Maybe that 's a mistake we 've made and that 's the way we 've turned it round [UNCLEAR] looking at people . Maybe there are other ways and other ways of forming relationships without people getting to know that person or working with that person . Maybe just listening . The onus is on nobody else , it 's on you . You know and there 's no such thing as failure , at the end of the day there 's only results . So you know you might think well I just ca n't get on with him . Well all that means is that you just have n't got on with him so far , or you have n't quite found the right way to get on with that person yet . Gon na stop there . I 'll want you to think about that tonight , I 'm gon na hand out a few sheets that might might explain a little bit of synergy erm I believe synergy this is my this is more of a sort of worldly view . Now I 'm not I like I like the thought of but I prefer the thought of in work and how people can work together using this type of thing and think about it in the context of work rather than in the context that it talks about erm and it 'll be interesting to talk to you tomorrow so if to see what you think have the think about the things we 've talked about . Tomorrow we 've got quite a lively day ahead of us erm by the time we do our group work tomorrow first thing in the morning , and also tomorrow after that you 'll be doing a role play as well using the things that you 've picked up today and seeing how many of them you can practice and put into action what you talked about . Fun day , more fun than today and today I hope I 've provided some of the ground work ca n't there 's a lot of things I would 've liked to have gone into more detail and generally I do but today there 's just there 's just not enough time in a day to do it . You know communications is a very big area there 's a lot to be talked about erm certainly rapport and leading and things like that you asked for [ANONYMIZATION] that we could 've done a lot more with , the type of language people use we could do a lot more with but when we 've got a limited time we 're gon na have to take a limited snapshot and I hope that what we 've done so far today you found useful and I hope when we put it into practice tomorrow maybe you can understand a little bit more of some of things that we 've been talking about today . Please have a think you know have a think about some of the things have a look out if you get out anywhere tonight watching people when they 're together just watch them any ideas that you have tomorrow we 'll start off with the first ten minutes just going over some of the things we talked about this evening . Thanks very much for your time it 's five o'clock have a nice evening and I 'll see you in the morning . Nine o'clock tomorrow okay ? [UNCLEAR] the things that we 've talked about you know the complete [UNCLEAR] of the company worker and [UNCLEAR] you 're happy with thoseOh yeahokay , okay thanks [ANONYMIZATION]I think in certain aspects as as a team member it could be me er [UNCLEAR] low in dominance I mean that that certainly is merighterm I know it 's easy to say but I was prepared to [UNCLEAR] anyone says [UNCLEAR] which is obviously you know what I 'd be prepared to dorighterm but I 'm not the sort to sort of push meself forward in front of other peoplerighttry to put my views forwardokay
Trigger words: strong
Indicator sentences: when you say strong what do you mean ?
Negotiation parts: Making yourself understood clearly basically , knowing what you 're talking aboutKnowing what you knowing what you 're talking about being clear okay [UNCLEAR] yepMore or less on the same lines having a point of view and putting it across without wavering , do n't ermCover your pointYes , [UNCLEAR] getting your poi yeahokayyeah , okayHaving a point of view and putting it across to other people I think we 'veand words are put clear and strong and I think I 'd use the word forcefulforceful , okay [UNCLEAR] but the other bit you 're happy with [UNCLEAR]Oh yeahgreat
Trigger words: assertive
Indicator sentences: what 's the difference between being assertive and not being assertive [UNCLEAR] what 's the big difference between the two ?
Negotiation parts: A matter of confidenceA matter of confidence okay [ANONYMIZATION]No I was just about to say confidence [UNCLEAR] really I find it quite difficult to get assertive erm but when the situation does arise I suddenly get a gut feeling about it laterokaywhereas you look back at the end of the day and if you have n't done what you did you sort of feel like a bit down ah and you wish you had [UNCLEAR]Being true to yourselfyeah go onI mean is this being true to yourself and letting yourself down and you know not saying what you feel you should 've said erm perhaps now [UNCLEAR] I wan na talk about one area in particular and that is this thing about you know submissiveness it seems that most people look at things that disturb you either as submissive or aggressive . A lot of people tend to look at assertion as being aggressive there 's a total difference . Being aggressive is just as bad as being submissive it really is because people swing to one side you know it some people are very good at being aggressive and are very good at diving in and getting their own way and just ju by being aggressive it 's naturally aggressive .Now the only problem with that is I sometimes look that these people I wonder are they really happy being aggressive all the time does that really make them feel happy ? I do n't think so , really it 's just the opposite problem of what we 've got over here , being submissive now we all know what being being sub submissive yes we let people walk all over us we do n't say [UNCLEAR] yeah we we listen to what everybody else says and therefore the opposite is you 're gon na get aggressive to get what we want . They 're both two sides of the same coin y'know , being aggressive is n't what it 's all about , being aggressive certainly is n't what it 's all about . What 's the point of being aggressive with somebody when they 're gon na walk away feeling as if they 've just been walked all over , so you 've still got the same situation you 've got one person walking away feeling a little bit fed up and the other person not so if you talk about assertiveness in terms of aggression and in terms of submission i.e. there 's going to be a winner and there 's going to be a loser depending which way round you look at it then you still have n't quite grasped what we mean by assertiveness . You do n't have to be aggressive to be assertive , look at some of these comments we 've got here how confident you are in yourself and how you put your point across . How you put your point across getting your point across and not being afraid of doing it , doing it effectively putting the point across , being positive in putting your point across so it 's all about putting your point across effectively , clearly congruously i.e. my body says what I mean . I do n't have to shout I do n't have to be aggressive or intimidate people I just have to tell people what I feel , think etc . Does being assertive mean getting your own way ?Not necessarilyIt never does , it should never it should never be tied in with getting your own way . Aggressive , aggression might be tied it with getting your own but being assertive is not about getting your own way . Being aggressive is about exactly what you put up here this is me this is how I feel about what we 're talking about . This is what I think , not just hiding away and saying get on with it you know get on with whatever you want to do , no this is what I believe is what I believe that we 're doing . It does n't necessarily mean you 're gon na get it but it means that you 're being true to yourself because you 're putting your point across . And it 's how you put that point across , if you put it across and if the body language you use when you put it across and do you know what makes the biggest different the biggest difference about how you put it across the most important factor about how you put it across and what you 're trying to do ? Any idea ? We talked about it being clear , being clear about what it is that you want . Any situation with any person you need to be clear in your mind what you want before if there 's any dithering if there 's any way I 'm not sure that will stop ya it 's being sure being convinced of what you want is you know exactly what you want you know which direction you 're going in . If you do n't there 's plenty of people out there that do and they 'll walk right all over you to get what they want . So it 's not about being aggressive it 's not about being aggressive or submissive it 's about being clear to true to yourself being aware of what you want from any given situation . Just because you 're assertive that does n't mean you 're gon na get everything that you want because you 're not being assertive just means that other people are aware of what you want . Being submissive is the co point where what happens when you 're submissive you keep it inside you do n't feel you 're worthy enough or you have n't got you have n't got the self esteem to rate yourself as being able to have what it is that you want , so you keep it inside and you do n't say anything and then you walk away should 've said this and should 've said that and all it does is eat away at you and it does that to you physically as well I mean scientific tests are already showing now that physically these sort of things you do if often be submissive enough what that does it pretty much helps helps you to eat your body up from the inside and causes physical problems which pretty much do that anyway . Because you keep it all inside it [UNCLEAR] against you , you begin to feel bad about yourself you begin to lose your self esteem erm you know and that 's the most dangerous thing about being bullied in terms of being at school or whether it 's even at work and being submissive is [UNCLEAR] withdraw internalise and to take it out on yourself . All this is you 're going to take out on somebody else you take it out on yourself . [UNCLEAR] the total is different opposite on the scale , instead of all this stuff inside of you , you just let it build up and you let it build up until whoosh and you throw it outside at other people , and that itself that that as well causes physical problems . Apparently , I mean I 've read this , but I do n't know how there was actual references to it as well but apparently what they used to do run a test they used to do was they used to get people very very angry take some blood from them , put put them inside of rats and it would kill the rats . When you get angry you pump all sorts of different chemicals around your body and they do n't do your body any good that 's for sure , you know you get the adrenalin that starts making everything well making the blood move faster heart beat faster you get other chemicals ready and if those chemicals are n't used properly or if something does n't happen and it uses those particular chemicals and they 're left inside the body then that causes eventually physical illness in some sort of physical wearing of some sort or another , so gradually just the opposite of this where you 're you 're not internalising your throwing it out , but there 's a hell of a lot in there that 's been stored up there and bottled up there before it throws out , and when you do tend to be aggressive it 's not because you 're being aggressive on purpose it 's because it 's just something that just happens and wells up when you get to a particular point and whoosh out it comes . So you know there 's the , do n't link aggression with assertion , two difference . Assertion you 're clear about what you want , you ca n't there 's no need to get get up about it there 's no need to worry about it this is what you want and this is the way it is , you do n't have to shout , you just have to stick to your point . [UNCLEAR] exercise that you do in terms of assertion in terms of helping build people 's assertion is what we call a broken record exercise , okay where one person wants something and the other person is trying to change their minds , okay , you get it in conversation when people do n't take you seriously and you 've asked for something and they do n't take you serious they try and avoid the point , they try and change the subject . Assertion comes into being when you still bring the conversation back this is what I want nothing else will do , and bringing it right the way back all the time to discuss what it is [UNCLEAR] why it 's called a broken record exercise , we 'll give it a quick go now . What I want you to do is in your couples I want one of you to pretend that one of you 's got a grievance okay , think about it before you do it . One of you 's got grievance and you want something done , there is something that you want done and the other person , is the person you want to do it or the person who 's got a part to play . Now this other person is trying to trying to change the conversation , trying to take you away from what you 're trying what you want done . What I want you to do as as the person who 's being assertive is to stick to the point . Stick to the point , even if it means you 're acting like a bit of a broken record , get that person make sure they hear what you 're saying even if you have to repeat it over and over again . What I want you to practice doing is to try and get yourself saying over and over again regardless of how the other person tries to ask you questions to get you out of it , and then swap over . Okay what I ask you to do as with being assertive , first of all be clear about what it is that you 're going to try and do , be clear about what it is and what the situation is , explain it to the partner and then try it and let's see how it [UNCLEAR] doing . Okay , working with anybody , just just for just for a few minutes each it 's just because what I want you to experience is what it 's like to continually go over the same thing , I want you to experience that , to continually stick to your guns just experience that okay ? Alright off you go .
Trigger words: extrovert
Indicator sentences: the terms extrovert and introvert here I mean we 've had two comments on those are used slightly different .
Negotiation parts: Extrovert does n't necessarilydoes n't necessarily is n't necessarily you know the image the popular image of an extrovert which means you know somebody who 's always the loudest noise at the party and always that 's that 's really slightly not quite right picture of an extrovert . Or likewise an introvert does n't necessarily mean it 's a person who does n't talk to anybody who keeps themselves to themselves and is a miserable , it 's not like that at all . What it basically means is that an extrovert tends to tends to have a wide area of interests but wo n't investigate them as much as perhaps that that deeply , and that includes friends as well , and that includes people around them and they look at the wideness rather than the depth . Introverts are more the other way round whereas they 've got narrow interests , narrow fields of interest but they look at them in depth . Likewise with friends they 've probably got fewer friends but the friends they have got are very close friends and they know them on a much deeper level . That 's really the interpretation of extrovert and introvert and the fact that it can apply to you know being loud and gregarious as an extrovert or being quiet and keeps to himself as an introvert that 's more of a popular view which is n't the sort of thing we 're trying to put across . It 's more of the way that you see things . Wide and not so deep for an extrovert , very narrow very deep for an introvert that type of thing alright . So do n't put too much emphasis on that . So you 've probably got a wide amount of interestsYeah , yeahBut you do n't got you might not have one that you go into specifically in too much detailNot particularly , noAlright[UNCLEAR]Okay , like friends probably got a lot of friendsyeahand then maybe only one or two or three other interests [UNCLEAR] you got you go to into very deeply the rest are just sort of friendsyeah , that 's [UNCLEAR]okay , well that 's extrovert so we [UNCLEAR] in that particular instance . [UNCLEAR] Alright did that make it make it a little bit better ?Yeah [UNCLEAR]Okay good [ANONYMIZATION]