WMN: t3_2qr8gn_t1_cn8u8gh

[TITLE]

CMV: People who cheat on their spouses can and should, in some cases, be forgiven

[Li54]

There seems to be a commonly held belief that people who cheat on their SO/partner should be dropped immediately with no further contact. I understand that physical/sexual conduct with another person can seem like a betrayal, but in some cases, there are many worse things that can happen in a relationship, which couples seem to be able to work through. There are a few assumptions underlying the belief that "sex with another person = relationship over" that I don't think hold up. * **Sex is the most important part of a relationship,** and therefore, betraying it and that agreement mean the relationship should end. My belief: sex is a very important part of a relationship, but not *the* most important part. Immediately breaking up with someone because of something like this seems excessive. * **Nobody makes mistakes ever,** so when they do, the relationship should end. My belief: obviously this isn't true, and a cornerstone of strong relationships is the ability to work through mistakes/issues together. * **Cheaters will always cheat again,** so better to end it now. my view: That may be true in some cases, but other than anecdotal evidence, I haven't seen anything to support this claim. [But would be really interested in reading anything scientific about this, actually!] * **Cheaters cheat because of underlying issues with the relationship.** My belief: if that's true, there are a lot of possibilities - not just breaking up - that could fix the problem, such as ... talking about the problem. Maybe fixing that issue will resolve the motivation to cheat. Caveat: sometimes, cheating happens because there are parts of the relationship that are fundamentally broken and/or the relationship is too far gone/unsalvageable and/or this is the straw the broke the camel's back etc. Cheating shouldn't always signify an immediate end to a relationship. In some cases, couples can and should choose to work through it. CMV! _____ > *Hello, users of CMV! This is a footnote from your moderators. We'd just like to remind you of a couple of things. Firstly, please remember to* ***[read through our rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/changemyview/wiki/rules)***. *If you see a comment that has broken one, it is more effective to report it than downvote it. Speaking of which,* ***[downvotes don't change views](http://www.reddit.com/r/changemyview/wiki/guidelines#wiki_upvoting.2Fdownvoting)****! If you are thinking about submitting a CMV yourself, please have a look through our* ***[popular topics wiki](http://www.reddit.com/r/changemyview/wiki/populartopics)*** *first. Any questions or concerns? Feel free to* ***[message us](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/changemyview)***. *Happy CMVing!*

[BrawndoTTM]

[STA-CITE]>Cheaters will always cheat again, so better to end it now. my view: That may be true in some cases, but other than anecdotal evidence, I haven't seen anything to support this claim. [But would be really interested in reading anything scientific about this, actually!] [END-CITE]There is actually some scientific evidence to support this notion http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn14641-monogamy-gene-found-in-people.html#.VKLlCF4ACY

[qezler]

I'l begin by saying it has never happened to me, and you make some good points. But I'm addicted to CMV, so here we go. [STA-CITE]>sex is a very important part of a relationship, but not the most important part. [END-CITE]So it is one of the most important parts. To break it would be to break one of the most important parts of a marriage. I'll continue. *edit: even if you value it not at all, cheating breaks other important parts of the relationship. Like trust. Loyalty. Companionship. [STA-CITE]>Nobody makes mistakes ever, so when they do, the relationship should end. [END-CITE]You are correct that this is false. However, cheating on a spouse is *pretty big mistake*. Cheating, as I define it, is a choice. A bad choice which breaks one of the cornerstones of marriage. [STA-CITE]>Cheaters will always cheat again [END-CITE]You are correct that this is false. However, I would say that *cheaters are more likely to cheat again*. The circumstances that resulted in cheating the first time may repeat. [STA-CITE]>Cheaters cheat because of underlying issues with the relationship. My belief: if that's true, there are a lot of possibilities - not just breaking up - that could fix the problem, such as ... talking about the problem. [END-CITE]Yes. But "talking about the problem" is an ideal situation. It often doesn't work out so well that way. People get stuck in a pattern... living in the same house, married to the same person you stopped really caring about. Cheating is evidence that *something* must be wrong. So, so far we can say cheating * is a bad choice which breaks one of the cornerstones of a relationship * is an indication that such a thing will happen again * is an indication that there is a problem with the relationship Are there no situations in which the cheaters should be forgiven? I'm trying to argue that if you find your spouse cheating, breaking up with them is the most logical thing to do, whatever the circumstances. I point out, cheating has a profound negative emotional effect of the person cheated on. You have every reason to break up. In my mind, marriage is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the marriage is broken. One partner isn't fulfilling all of his/her obligations (i.e. not to cheat) So why should the other person be obligated to fill out his/hers? Why should you stay married? It is entirely up to the person making the decision as to what they may do. It's an ethical question, and everyone has their different values, so it's impossible to prove definitively what you should/should not do. It's just a logical conclusion that breaking up is the right choice in most if not all situations. It's a choice. But if you don't break up, you are stuck with a person who doesn't value you enough to stay loyal. Why would you forfeit yourself to such a relationship? Things need change. And the cheater is the source of the problem. Change the cheater by breaking up with him/her.

[Li54]

∆ [STA-CITE]> marriage is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the marriage is broken. [END-CITE]This is the best argument I've heard so far. Thanks!

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[Glory2Hypnotoad]

I don't think this is the kind of view that can be changed via CMV. Whether or not it's right to break up because of cheating is completely up to the couple in question. If a person feels that their relationship is too thoroughly compromised by by adultery, it's not our place to tell them they're wrong. If that same person believes their relationship can survive that breach of trust, that's also fine. But whether or not a cheating spouse can or should be forgiven isn't something that can be determined in a discussion between your and other redditors.

[TeaTopaz]

[STA-CITE]> I understand that physical/sexual conduct with another person can seem like a betrayal [END-CITE]For many people there is no "seem" here. Cheating is often considered outright betrayal. More than once? Even worse. That means lying, planning, plotting behind their partner's back. It's not just the sex, though that's a part. Outright lying is incredibly damaging to any realtionship. Fucking someone else, coming homing that night after being with the mistress or stud, well it's no wonder it's often an instantaneous reason to end it. It's also extremely inconsiderate to a partner's health. Do you know that condoms **do not** protect people from all STDs? Some STDs are as simple as skin to skin contact and lifelong. The biggest problem with cheating is that it often cracks the foundation of trust relationships are built on. Often it feels pointless to try to mend a problem with someone who you may never be able to trust again, and for some cheating is a error of un-fixable magnitude. It's like shattering a mirror. You can try to put it back together but the cracks will never disappear. Very often a cheated on spouse remains paranoid their partner may cheat again if they stick by them, and some people don't want to live that life so they just throw the towel in then and there because they know they'll never be able to just forget about it.

[darthe]

By stating that sometimes they should be forgiven you acknowledge that they sometimes shouldn't, effectively rendering any definitive standpoint moot.

[championofobscurity]

There's a simple hard fast rule to this situation. In the sea of 6 billion people, there are plenty that will give you the peace of mind to treat you well and also never cheat on you. So why should you seat yourself with someone who's proved they're willing to cheat, because now your concern goes from a small afterthought at the back of your mind to "Well, my spouse was out at her dance class, or was she fucking another guy." You forget one crucial element in your list. Trust, relationships require trust and there is no basis for trust if someone is willing to violate that in such a manner.

[chocolatekettle]

Breaking up with someone who cheats isn't necessarily about the sex, or about previous issues in the relationship. One of the hardest things about trying to continue a relationship with someone who cheats is that there is an immediate and serious loss of trust. Trust is one of the things that makes a relationship grow and thrive, and trust allows you to be intimate with a person emotionally, physically, etc. Look at it this way - you make a business contract with someone. They violate the rules of that contract in a way that hurts your interests. It's reasonable to never want to do business with them again, because they violated your trust. It's worse for couples because there's a huge amount of emotional investment in it. I think that there are a lot of things that couples can work through, and working through an SO cheating can be one of those things. But one person cheating violates the trust the other person held in the relationship. Since trust is often such an important part of being in a relationship, why should someone continue with that relationship after trust is broken?

[the_skeleton_queen]

Well, I can only give you my experiences with cheating, and why I think it means the end of the relationship based on what I know. I know anecdotal evidence isn't the best for an argument, but hear me out. I've had two long-term partners that cheated on me, and I'll try to address each of your points individually. It wasn't that sex was the most important part of either relationship; the sex was good in both situations, and I'm a very liberal person when it comes to sexuality. I would have even been okay with being in an open relationship, if they would have at least been honest with me about it, and that's the thing--it wasn't about them having sex with other women. It was the dishonesty of what they were doing, the constant lies, the betrayal of my trust, the vomiting of half-assed excuses when I found out… one even 'borrowed money for the bus' which he really used to buy drugs for his girlfriends. And can you imagine what it's like to lie down in an empty bed at night knowing the man you love is out somewhere, fucking another woman, making up bullshit reasons as to why he can't make it home for another few hours? I'm a forgiving person, I know people make mistakes. But cheating is not one little mistake. There are quite a few steps involved before the act itself is carried out. You generally have to meet someone, become acquainted, start flirting and finally make romantic advances before actually physically cheating on your partner. I think most people would consider everything after flirting to be a mistake, and that you shouldn't advance any further than that. However, like I said, I am a forgiving person. In both instances, I forgave the first betrayal because I do believe that people can change. Actually, I *know* that people do change. I have seen people make amazing turnarounds in their lives. It's not fair to say that a cheater will always be a cheater, because they could change, if they wanted to. But the thing is, I believe many cheaters don't really *want* to change in time for the relationship to be saved. What happened in my situation was that my partners caught on very quickly, and realized that no matter how many times they cheated, I would still forgive them. Neither started cheating immediately after I took them back, which is why I thought maybe they'd changed. My first boyfriend cheated on me with seven other women in total. I don't think he became a 'serial cheater' until the third offense. After that, it was just a free-for-all and he did not seem to care if he got caught. That's when I knew things had gone way too far and I was out, finally. After my second boyfriend cheated on me twice, I decided not to get burned again, and was correct--the relationship was not worth the risk. I believe that they are both in relationships now and I think one actually is married, so it seems like hopefully they have changed, but not for me. So it's possible even that breaking up with them may have allowed for that change. Like I said, it was just not for me. As far as there being underlying issues in the relationship… well, there were a lot of those, too, in hindsight. Which is why a breakup was probably inevitable in the first place. Cheating was a symptom, not a cause. Well, I could have stayed and maybe worked things out with them, but all these years later… who cares? I'm in a healthy relationship and life is good. It feels weird even thinking about these guys. My boyfriend was also the victim of a 'serial cheater' and I think that's why we both value fidelity and loyalty in our relationship so much now. I guess that's what pretty much leads me up to my summation: Cheating sucks. It hurts a lot to get cheated on, and even though mistakes can be forgiven, they *do* add up. People can change, if they want to, but they don't always *want* to in time for things to be saved. Sometimes, the relationship is not worth the heartache.

[Bunny_ofDeath]

There is no 1:1 correspondence with cheating. It cannot be compared with stealing money from your partner's purse/wallet or lying about taking drugs or anything else which involves breaking trust. They are similar, but not the same. Having said that, one of the fundamental aspects of a relationship is trust. Any one of the things listed in the above paragraph-cheating, stealing, and lying-are all indicators that the basis of the relationship, trust, is broken. Yes, it *can* be forgiven, but I think the real question here is *should* it be forgiven. And then the question becomes why would anyone want to? Personally, it comes down to the fact that the cheater did not respect their partner enough to be honest with their needs, and if they can't trust you, why should you trust them?

[BrawndoTTM]

IMO there is a substantial difference than cheating once when you're drunk out of your mind and actually sneaking around with someone. The former is, at least potentially, forgivable, the latter is not. I think the thing about cheating that gets to most people is the fundamentally premeditated nature of it. It's so unbelievably easy not to cheat. Just don't cheat. For most people, cheating requires some fairly substantial effort (finding a new partner, sneaking around etc.) The fact that effort was put into doing something hurtful, rather than it being an accident or something that happened in a moment of anger that was immediately regretted, is what makes it unforgivable.

[old_tombombadil]

I feel that all a relationship really is, is a commitment. Once that commitment is broken, it no longer exists. If you were to have a contract with someone and you broke the contract, it would no longer be an agreement. I do think it is always right to forgive people with time. However, that doesn't mean to get back into it. The unwritten agreement that you had when you began your relationship is no longer intact.

[brahelp24]

As someone who would drop someone on the spot if they cheated - regardless of how long we'd been together, if we were married, had kids, etc. I will explain why I would not forgive a cheater. You're right in saying that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. Trust is the most important part of a relationship. Having sex with another person isn't the worst thing a person could do in a relationship. Lying is the worst thing a person could do in a relationship. I have told my SO before that I want him to tell me if he wants to have sex with another girl, so that I can give him permission to go and do it. In cheating, it's not the fact that he'd be having sex with another girl that would bother me, it would be the fact that he lied and hid things from me. You see, I'm all about honesty. If my SO had sex with another girl without getting my permission and telling me about it, my trust would be shattered. That's why the realtionship would end. I could never trust them again, and I just don't want to live my life in a relationship where I can't trust the one person I'm supposed to trust above everyone else.

[MizzKittay]

[STA-CITE]>Nobody makes mistakes ever, so when they do, the relationship should end. My belief: obviously this isn't true, and a cornerstone of strong relationships is the ability to work through mistakes/issues together. [END-CITE]Cheating isn't just a single mistake though. It is a series of mistakes, and each time the cheater made the "mistake," he or she was making *a conscious knowing decision to betray his or her spouse* several times in a row by the time physical cheating happens. A "mistake" would be flirting back with the man or woman who flirts with you at a party while your spouse is away. But to reach cheating, you have to not just flirt back, but also start touching, start kissing, start hugging, get to a private location, start undressing, and *then* start having sex. That's no less than seven decisions one would have had to make before that person reaches sexual adultery.

[Li54]

Maybe, but [now we're just haggling over the price](http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/300099-churchill-madam-would-you-sleep-with-me-for-five-million), or the number of mistakes. If a partner failed to start the dishwasher before going to bed 8 times, that doesn't mean automatic breakup. Yeah, these mistakes are more severe than a dishwasher starting, but the number of them isn't the question - the severity is.

[complete_misanthrope]

like other people stated sex with another person is a large breach of trust for the reasons they mentioned. now as for haggling over the price the reason cheating is such a common stopping point is that you had to think about it, though thinking about sex or thinking about hurting someone isnt wrong really. nobody wants to police thought crimes. then they had to PLAN it, something that they knew would hurt you and be a breach of trust, then they had to DO it. they though, planned, and committed to an action that they knew would hurt you and be a breach of trust and probably end it if found out. pretty good stopping point at thought plan AND action.

[Li54]

∆ Okay yep, I'll agree with that - if the transgression involved all of those steps/ premeditated, that would be pretty brutal. However, that would also come to light after the couple had had a discussion about it and/or both parties were fully informed too, so at that point I wold see a breakup making sense if they decided there was no route forward.

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[caw81]

I believe to award a delta, it has to be outside of the ">" to be picked up.

[Li54]

Thanks. That's annoying - just updated.

[complete_misanthrope]

well the question is how do you cheat without all that? i've heard people claim that it was "spur of the moment" but there's always time to think that out unless you were coerced in some way.

[D_Andreams]

I guess how much time and what other influences are acting on you during that time is a deciding factor for a lot of people. I think for me, there would be a huge difference between my partner planning to go to a location and knowing ahead of time that he will be intimate with another person there, and him going to a party or friendly hangout and ending up alone with someone and something happening that he didn't expect, even though in both cases he would have chosen to do it and would have had some opportunity to think about me before things got too far. It's just a matter of degrees, but I still really think it matters.

[MeNowDealWithIt]

I would like you to name something worse than sex with another person that doesn't immediately lead to breakup.

[Mavericgamer]

I'm not OP, but: abuse. I don't have anything to go on other than a gut feeling and some anecdotal evidence that I won't enumerate, but my gut tells me that way more people rationalize staying in an abusive relationship than ones that will even think about staying in a relationship with a cheater.

[syd_malicious]

This is because people in abusive relationships are often made to feel that [it is their fault](http://www.domesticabuseproject.com/get-educated/compelling-reasons-women-stay/) for upsetting the other person. You leave someone who cheats on you because they hurt YOU. You stay with an abuser because you are made to believe that you hurt THEM.

[Mavericgamer]

That's actually a very valid point; In the only relationships I've seen where the partner who didn't cheat stays with the cheater, the reason behind staying is that the other partner had cheated and not been caught in the past and thus felt like they "deserved" to be cheated on; I imagine that it's the feeling of being undeservedly wronged that often brings the break-up. For clarification (not because you said it but because it was brought up and I'm lazy) I do think that it's a mistake to stay in an abusive relationship, and that you could circumstantially count cheating as emotional abuse (I use 'cheating' as a descriptor of a pattern of behavior rather than a single instance of infidelity), but this immediately jumped to mind when I saw the top-level post.

[disciple_of_iron]

Because of the fear and isolation that occurs in abusive relationships a lot of people do stay in them however I think almost everyone would agree that this is the wrong decision.

[Li54]

Yep, that's a good one. I think the distinguishing factor with both of these is that they're physical, and thus, the evidence is immediately obvious. To answer /u/menowdealwithit's question, there are very few things I think should lead to an immediate break-up, because intelligent people deliberate and try to understand before taking immediate, life-changing action. That being said, here are some things that are pretty serious offenses, which I might say are on the same level as sex with another person in terms of the detrimental effect they would have on the relationship: * Falling out of love with the other person * Strong, thorough dislike of the other person's family * Extremely differing beliefs that come to light, on things like racism,* religion, etc. *I don't know why link formatting is wonky, but here's the link: www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2a25t8/update_my_24m_kindhearted_sweet_fiancee_23f_of_3/

[LargeFriend]

The thing about cheating is that while even though it is selfish, it isn't necessarily done to hurt the other partner. There are plenty of other things that people say or do to their partners that *are* meant to hurt them that are quickly forgiven, like saying horrible things to them in an argument or putting them down all the time. I'm not even necessarily talking about serious emotional abuse here, just general meanness in a relationship. Why is indirectly hurting your partner through your selfishness always worse than going out of your way to *try* and hurt your partner through your words or actions? I guess it's a question of how much your actions hurt your partner, but that varies between every single person. If someone would be equally or more hurt by something horrible their partner said to them in the heat of an argument than by their partner getting drunk and sleeping with someone else, why is sexual infidelity always worse, especially considering that it wasn't specifically intended to cause them pain? TL;DR: Cheating is wrong because it hurts your partner, but so do lots of things. Surely *intending* to cause someone pain is worse than hurting them as the indirect result of your selfish actions (at least if the amounts of pain are comparable)? If a couple can reconcile over intentionally hurtful things said during a malicious argument, why can't they reconcile over sexual infidelity?

[D_Andreams]

This is basically how I feel about it. I think I could probably forgive a partner for a one-time or possibly short-term mistake (especially with alcohol involved) where he acted based on his short-term desires instead of based on the effect it would have on me. I don't think I could ever stay in a relationship with someone who was mean or spiteful towards me, or who called me names. Even if it is in anger and they apologize and whatnot, that kind of lack of respect and the me vs. you attitude is just completely unacceptable to me. Tl;dr - I'd take someone who banged a whore over someone who thought it was okay to call me a whore.

[looklistencreate]

I don't think this depends as much on the cheater as the person he/she cheated on. Some people are unable to stay with an unfaithful partner and should not be pressured into continuing a relationship after that point. Forgiveness depends on the forgiver, not the perpetrator. Nobody "should" be forgiven for cheating, and I'm comfortable saying that anyone who knowingly betrays the trust of a relationship would deserve losing that relationship. I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's expected to break up with the cheater, because some people are willing to be forgiving. But I can't envision a situation where cheating "should" be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift, not an expectation.

[Li54]

∆ This makes the most sense to me - very coherent argument. Thanks!

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[caw81]

[STA-CITE]> Sex is the most important part of a relationship [END-CITE]Its not the sex part, its the trust that is the most important part of the relationship. From that there is a lot of other things that break - loyalty, understanding between people, future expectations etc. The entire dating, engagement, marriage is set up to build that trust. If its not there, what do you have? You have more trust in a stranger than someone who cheated on you because with a stranger you don't know what would have happened.

[Li54]

Aren't there other indicators of trust, though? Why should sex be the only thing that engenders that trust?

[mrgoodnighthairdo]

Extramarital sex isn't just sex, it's also time and money, both of which are shared commodities in a marriage. The time one spends engaging in an affair is deducted from time with the family, as is the money spent on the affair. I imagine that typically the amount and time and money is factored into the severity of an affair, so that a one-time fling after a drunken night out with the boys and/or girls is less a cause for marital instability than an ongoing affair.

[Li54]

I agree, but "gambling" could just as easily fall in that category.

[littleln]

I would be just as mad at my husband if he blew 10k gambling as I would if he had a one night stand. For me it's more about bringing back stds or fathering children elsewhere that would be a financial burden. Way to betray our family and blow my trust by possibly giving me an std or creating a life long money sink with another woman. I'd be way more likely to forgive a 1 night stand than a str or an ltr. One is just a physical thing, the other is not.... It depends a lot couple to couple and person to person...

[mrgoodnighthairdo]

Of course, and drug/alcohol abuse too. I'm sure gambling can be considered just as much a violation of trust as cheating.

[caw81]

[STA-CITE]> Aren't there other indicators of trust, though? [END-CITE]But cheating is a huge indicator of trust. "Don't do this (cheat) because it will hurt me deeply" [STA-CITE]> Why should sex be the only thing that engenders that trust? [END-CITE]Its not the act itself, its the fact that the cheater broke a deep relationship trust.

[CKitch26]

I think this more of a person to person thing. I wouldn't stay with somebody who cheated on me, but I wouldn't judge somebody else who decided to work things out. Both are hard to do if you seriously care about and are/were committed to the other person. To me, if we're in a relationship, I trust you not to cheat on me and you trust me not to cheat on you. As the relationship continues and this trust grows and develops, I allow myself to be more vulnerable and open with you. Your betraying me and my trust shows me that you (1) you don't care about me as much as I care about you, (2) that my trust in you isn't important at all, and (3) that our relationship either doesn't mean anything to you or isn't above your own satisfaction. This last is the most important for me, because if our relationship doesn't mean anything to you, then I know it likely won't last and if you're not willing to put in the effort to even try to work through whatever it was causing you to cheat, then why should I continue putting effort into it?

[Li54]

Sure - I'm not arguing with your personal perspective. I agree that it's a case-by-cases basis issue, but in general, it feels like people are putting a *lot* of emphasis on sex in relationships - maybe too much, to the detriment of the relationship.

[CKitch26]

Yea society has become more sexualized in the past decade. Way more apparent in the media and fashion

[chocolatekettle]

Cheating doesn't always mean sex with another person. If someone was married to someone who had fallen in love with another person and was pursuing an emotional or a physical relationship that didn't include sex with them, isn't that a form of cheating?

[CKitch26]

Yes, but I didn't specify what form of cheating. It's still a breach of trust in your situation. If she had fallen in love with another, and told me and we had a conversation about it, I might be hurt, sad, angry, jealous even, but I would still trust her because she respected me enough to bring it up and trusted that I would be able to have a conversation about it.

[Li54]

Sorry, yes. I meant physical/ sexual cheating [which, in my mind, is less of a transgression than the emotional kind you're referring to]

[ketocurious193]

i think it's because in general the two are closely linked, especially when you're in a monogamous relationship. It's easy to understand how someone could have feelings, fall in love etc with someone and not have sex. But it's very hard to understand how someone who has feelings and sex with you (intertwining them) could have sex with someone else without the feelings being involved. In many ways it's very difficult to believe the 'it didn't mean anything, I don't care about them' excuse. so in many ways an emotional affair, to me a huge betrayal, is just an emotional affair. But I'd struggle to believe that a sexual one could ever be just sexual, some emotions would have to come into play, thus it's also really bad. I agree that cheating shouldn't always equal an immediate break up, but I certainly understand why people do it: 1. they promised to be monogamous, a fundamental element of the relationship, has been broken. 2. the cheater has prioritised their own immediate pleasure over the trust and feelings of their partner (ouch) 3. the cheater has not addressed issues with the relationship, and has instead gone outside of it (ouch). Your 4th bullet point addresses this, but I think in a very backwards manner - you're saying if someone cheats because of issues, then try to work out those issues! but i'd argue that that person has decided to cheat *instead of* trying to work out those issues, which sort of compounds those issues. 4. the cheater either has issues with the partner (as 3) or has feelings for whoever they're cheating with, so much so that this supersedes the promises made to the partner (ouch) so yeah, i actually think the sex element of it isn't that big a deal, but it's everything the cheating indicates that makes it such a big deal for people when you analyse it.

[Sergnb]

It's not the sex itself, it's the intimacy. Framing this as an issue of wanting to have sex makes it look overbearing, primal, irrational and selfish. But what you have to understand is that cheating doesnt hurt because you stuck your penis in someone else and your penis is mine so it's offensive. No, the problem comes from running away from the person. You are supposed to be more intimate with to seek it elsewhere. It is not irrational to expect your partner to not share that kind of intimacy with someonelese when you both have agreed you had an exclusive relationship. In some ways, it is true that this comes largely from a puritanism background where sex is seen as an unholy act only to be done with those you hold closest, but once again, it is understood by both parties that they ge to have sex because they share a special bond that is unique and exclusive. Cheating cheapens that bond and tells the other person you dont trust him or her with your inner thoughts. The lies, breakage of bonds and lose of trust is wha makes cheating aheinous act in most people's eyes, not that you wanted to bust a nut and you happened to find someone else attractive enough to do it.